Falling in love again

I had it wrong. I had it all wrong. Filling up pages, sending long texts in the early morning to give you something to smile about. I said a lot of things that I meant with my whole heart but that never made them truly meaningful.  You see, those things fade away and I want a proper way to tell you and everyone I know exactly what you have grown to be.

I have galleries of the most beautiful photos and libraries full of the most treasured memories. And you can’t be summed up into words, you are my heartbeat, you are every little rain drop that falls and kisses my skin, you are everything to me.

And when I take a stroll through the hallways of my mind and admire these galleries I am amazed and I am in awe of how truly wonderful you make life seem to be.

When I look at you I see a first time conversation, an awkward car ride. I see a first date, wadded up straw wrappers thrown at empty wine glasses because we are too young to drink. I see you driving me to your place, falling asleep in a tiny bed with a dog at our feet in your arms for the first time, I see me falling in love for the first time.

I turn down another hallway and I see the pain in a lack of honesty, I see the tears of betrayal, and I am crippled over in pain and I am kneeled before the eyes of my innocent lover and the sting and shatter my heart and I am crumbled into a million pieces and carried away with the wind. But forgiveness brings me back together and I see us making up like we will do many times again and again.

You are the smell of pines in the mountains, you are the cold chill of the air pouring through your car vents, you are the scent of burning candles that ignites all of my senses, and you are long nights spent talking about nothing just to not fall asleep because I enjoy the company.

When I think of you I think of settling down, being unselfish, starting over each day with you beside me, my joy, and my promise sent from the world.

You are a journey that I am willing to take for the rest of my life just to rest my weary bones next to yours on the other side. 

And I am falling in love for the first time, again and again. 

10:05am

I think I’m losing everything, and all I can do is kick and scream and fight for at least a small fragment to hold on to. It’s funny how in the good times your mind is poisoned by bad thoughts and how they cling to your body and haunt you but in the bad times the good memories flood and drown you. That’s all I want to know anymore, this suffocating feeling of you and I. And I know now that even in the bad times you were everything to me. 
And I know I should have never got out of that car, I should have sat right there with you in my driveway and pulled you to me and kissed you a few more times and told you to take us home. I should have done a lot of things and that’s all I can think of now. 
Life has a way of building things up and tearing things apart in order to teach lessons and if there is anything that I have learned it’s that darling you were mine and I took that for granted. I could have listened more and spoke less, but I also could have opened my heart more to love than to wanting to fight you for everything. When you’re sad you say a lot of things you don’t mean and for that I’m sorry and when I’m alone my heart leaves to find you and I hope you can feel it. All I want are those night drives, long talks, late walks, looking into those eyes and feeling that body next to mine. Because my home no longer feels like home to me because it has always been with you and this bed is cold and empty..
And these blankets wrap around me and it’s just not enough. Because when I’m lying here cursing at god and crying myself to sleep I would trade it for a pointless argument and falling asleep in silence with you beside me..